Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
