I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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