I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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