I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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