i already hear my dad disowning me
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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