I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
