we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
