Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
