Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
