I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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