I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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