bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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