Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
