You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
