I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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