my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i out mim tonsoeep
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