his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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