the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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