sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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