Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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