I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I want to fling myself into the sun
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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