The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
