I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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