You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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