I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I will pee on everything he values.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
