I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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