Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
