Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
