i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
