you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
