we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
