Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
