I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
