Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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