I haven't been this sober since birth.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
