wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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