I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I look better un-naked...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
