This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
