Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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