After last night, I could never be a politician.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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