I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
