It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also, beer. Big fan.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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