I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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