my phone needs a breathalizer
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
