those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
