its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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