A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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