I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
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it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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