some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
