If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
