Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
