Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize