I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
