on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
