Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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